X and O

So much has changed from the days I spent watching storms with my friends from my grandparents' porch. So much has changed since not long ago when I spent hours getting ready in my salmon-coloured bathroom, dancing to my ipod, all for Alex to come pick me up, fight with me, and to have all of my effort wash off my face in cakey sheets as I cried in my driveway.
A driveway I will likey never stand in ever again, crying for a boy I pray I'll never see again.

But I remember all of these things so vividly, no matter how in the past they are. It's a blessing in a cursed way.

Because back then, on that porch, in that boy's car, picking those songs on that ipod - that's what made me happiest at that second.
In that moment, it was exactly what I wanted.
Funny how greatly my 'wants' have changed over the 20 years of my life.

Funny in a tragic sort of way, I mean.

The one thing that has never changed is my love for honesty, written or spoken. To be able to look someone directly in the eyes and know they see me for who I really am. Having nothing to hide.

That will never go away, and whether I'm 20 or 90, I will never grow out of it.
All of the years after 90 are fair game though.

Yes. I miss those storms and those songs and that boy. I miss how they all made me feel. I always will, until the day I day, and perhaps forever after.

I'll miss them all because I'll remember them all exactly how they happened, and exactly how they made me feel. And I will smile, not sigh, because they will still make me happy; regardless of how each chapter ended.
I was happy then.
And I always will be.

I never let my butterflies turn into demons, and so I'm not afraid to look back over my shoulder.